During Mass about a month or so ago, I was able to have some quiet moments. They were filled with the kind of quiet that pierces your soul (something that is harder to come by these noisy days of late). During these little moments I found myself gazing upon His Feet on the Cross. Those moments were precious to me for a number of reasons, but mostly because they reminded me of the many an hour I spent in Mass or Adoration gazing upon these very same Feet during my non-kiddo years.
It is up to you, wretched sinner, to humble yourself as this happy penitent did so that you may be rid of your wretchedness. Prostrate yourself on the ground, take hold of his feet, soothe them with kisses, sprinkle them with your tears and so wash not them but yourself.
-St. Bernard of Clairvaux
Back in my younger days, when I would gaze and meditate upon the Cross I would always ask our Lord to use me. I wanted to be His Servant. Sharing His Love. His Goodness. The same Love and Goodness I had felt my whole life through all the beautiful vessels He blessed me with. I wanted to be a vessel for Him. So, when I found myself, prostrated or kneeling before Him, I would mostly gaze at His Feet. I felt so much peace there. So much love! And, it truly was sanctifying, as St. Bernard pointed out. The prostration, the kisses, the tears truly did wash me and not anyone else.
So, for me, being able to kneel or prostrate myself before Him were little lessons in humility. Lessons I always was in need of. And, being before him, gazing at his Feet made me feel like I was his little girl - like a little girl curled up at the foot of her father. His little lovely. This was my little and imperfect way of loving Him best I could with who I was on that day. I also thought, if I were to be a servant, then I must learn to serve Him who first loves and serves all who I will ever meet.
These days were precious to me. And, as seasons in my life have demonstrated, these days were also numbered. Or so I thought, prior to that past weekend.
See, there is a crazy busyness to motherhood. The days seem to melt together. The long hours that seem to never end are the very same hours that disappear. There are highs and lows that are so easy to get lost in. There are good times, tough times, joyful times, sad times, and everything else in between. Now, I know that God has called me to be His servant here in our home. And, for this I am forever grateful. I have shared about how blessed I am to be able to say my daily Fiat to my vocation. But I have, at different times, missed my time with my Lord. The uninterrupted time we would have together. The little times I spent at His blessed Feet.
I say all this because I am finally starting to understand motherhood at His Feet. I am still meeting my Lord. Always have been. It just looks different. His feet are the little feet of my boys and the big feet of my husband. I can't always have this uninterrupted time with him in Adoration or at Mass, but, what I can do is meet him before my children and husband. I can still kneel or prostrate myself before the same Lord I would meet before the sacraments in the very same beautiful souls He has shared with me. He is in them. They are made in His Image.
...‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.’
...‘Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.’
-Matthew 25: 34-36, 40
So, I write all this because I needed to be reminded that when I am on my knees building blocks, or prostrated before my sons so that they can crawl all over me, I am meeting Him. When I am kneeling to capture little moments on our family camera, or prostrated to play baby bear with the littles, I am meeting Him there. When I am clothing these little wigglies, I am meeting Him. Every meal I cook, every chore I do, I am meeting Him in the beautiful souls of my husband and two sons. I needed to be reminded that I don't have to be before Him in the sacraments for Him to see me as His little lovely. This is our season. His and mine. I needed to be reminded that the love that I have for Him has grown exponentially through our little family. That He is using me. That I am a vessel. That he has heard the prayers of my heart all these years, I just took a little time to gain the perspective. The perspective that I can know, love, and serve Him daily at the feet of my family.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No man has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.
-1 John 4: 11-12
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